Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Flying Solo

Because of the baby coming this summer, we figured that a family vacation would most likely be out of the question, so we decided to plan a trip for Easter weekend, when the kids and I had several days off from work and school.

As the time for the trip neared, I began to worry about our plans for several reasons. First, my pregnancy symptoms could only be worse from a long ride in the car, and then when we were at our destination, I would only slow and limit what the rest of the family could do while we were there, especially since we were going to meet up with some friends. Second, we were having a hard time finding a place to stay for a reasonable price for a family of 6, and right now, finances are definitely an issue. Third, I discovered that my dad would be having open heart surgery in the near future, and I was afraid that it could possibly fall during the time we planned to be away.

As I suggested that I and possibly at least our youngest child should stay home and send the rest of the family on the planned trip, Scott seemed shocked. It made me feel good that he thought it would be weird for me to not be there, and he was not sure he wanted to be away from me for that long.

Besides, I suggested, it could be a good trial "separation" for our marriage for a few days. Scott seemed to agree. So very soon, the possibility seemed reasonable, and plans began to be made for the two oldest children to vacation with their dad while I and the youngest two would relax and celebrate Easter from home.

Here are some observations:

1.  It is more difficult to sleep with a 4 year old and 9 year old in my bed with me. :) Although I still think it was preferable to sleeping by myself.

2.  I am just as miserably pregnant with or without Scott around.

3. I have some wonderful gay friends and I feel incredibly blessed to have them in my life and to feel their true love for me and the kids.  Over two evenings in a row they fixed us dinner one night and colored Easter eggs with us, then the next night made and frosted sugar cookies, and enjoyed my deviled eggs, claiming they were the best.

4. Scott's emotional attachment to me has always been less than mine to him, but still it hurt a bit the first night when I sent him a text saying "I miss you" and he wrote back "I know" instead of "I miss you too." I don't know why I let it bug me, though, since it has always been that way with us. I guess I am hypersensitive to anything that has anything to do with our relationship right now. :(

5. I knew it would be hard, and I am not suprised that each of the first 3 days I had meltdown moments when I just sobbed and said horrible things to myself. But I'm pretty sure that they all happened when I needed to eat, and instead of eating I just sat and felt sorry for myself that there was no one around to fix me some food. Boy do I take Scott for granted.

6. I am suprised at how strong I really have been, despite the meltdowns. In the past I would have panic attacks from being essentially by myself for even one day, let alone several. Depression off and on, yes. Panic attacks and anxiety, no, not really.

I guess I could get used to this if I had to, but I don't want to.

I wonder what Scott's observations would be? Actually, maybe I don't want to know. Being away from whiny me and rowdy boys for a few days has probably been heaven!


Anonymous said...

Thought you could use a "math" chuckle, if you have not already seen these:

From one math teacher, to another.

happy day!

Jenz said...

Glad you are making it ok. Great friends are a blessing.

Gail said...


I think many people would look yours and Scott reaction to the separation as very typically male and female. I would say from my perspective I have a few observations on this. I think from what I read of you two and the very little I know you both you both are in a lot a ways true to your gender. You strike as having many stereotypically female characteristics and Scott having many stereotypically male characteristics. I would say the same thing about my ex-wife and myself. I in many respects I have many stereotypically male characteristics and she having many stereotypically female characteristics. Yet, when it has come to our separation I think I have been much more like you and my ex has been much more like Scott. I have experienced much more loneliness from my ex than she has from me. When I have the kids she does make it a point to call them and does miss them as do I, but I really acted for her for a long time, and I must admit that I also still miss her. Though I do feel at peace with our divorce and really see at as tremendous gift she has given. Not that I have found the person that I will spend my life with, but the little dating I do do I feel a reciprocation that I never did from my ex. To feel not just know intellectually that I am desirable as a man not just in spite of it is a wonderful gift. Even so I still miss her in ways I know she does not miss me. Thanks again for sharing so much with all of us it enriches my life.

Gay Mormon said...

No words of advice just some Empathy! I'm sorry your experiencing these rough times. You and Scott have helped so many to feel loved and given many a place that I like to refer to as a Safe Zone, a place where they feel no crap from the world, a place they can go and feel nothing but love and acceptance. I truly hope the Lord blesses you for all you have done for so many MOHO's. Cry on as many shoulders as you like, maybe it will allow some to pay you back in some small way. You guys seriously Rock, even through all the crap you have to deal with.

recover and thrive said...

thanks for sharing! I know when my wife leaves for a few days its really hard for me and her.....stay positive and EAT! My wife and I have discovered that eating well goes a long way :) and going on dates too

Brandon said...

It isn't us that are the great friends, but just showing you how much you mean to us. We love you so much and it is you that is the great friend... Everyone who reads this should know that... Besides the food has been good and the cookies were fun.

Sophrosyne said...

I have followed Scott's blog from near the beginning, and I've read all of yours as well.

I really feel for you! I thought I was going to end up divorcing during my 3rd pregnancy. The situation was nothing like yours and Scott's, but the feelings of upheaval during the pregnancy were likely similar. We ended up holding out for another couple of years, and I am getting divorced now (my baby is 2.5). Like I said, there is little in common with your and my situations, but I want you to know I feel for you and wish you the absolute best in coming to terms with everything.