Because of the baby coming this summer, we figured that a family vacation would most likely be out of the question, so we decided to plan a trip for Easter weekend, when the kids and I had several days off from work and school.
As the time for the trip neared, I began to worry about our plans for several reasons. First, my pregnancy symptoms could only be worse from a long ride in the car, and then when we were at our destination, I would only slow and limit what the rest of the family could do while we were there, especially since we were going to meet up with some friends. Second, we were having a hard time finding a place to stay for a reasonable price for a family of 6, and right now, finances are definitely an issue. Third, I discovered that my dad would be having open heart surgery in the near future, and I was afraid that it could possibly fall during the time we planned to be away.
As I suggested that I and possibly at least our youngest child should stay home and send the rest of the family on the planned trip, Scott seemed shocked. It made me feel good that he thought it would be weird for me to not be there, and he was not sure he wanted to be away from me for that long.
Besides, I suggested, it could be a good trial "separation" for our marriage for a few days. Scott seemed to agree. So very soon, the possibility seemed reasonable, and plans began to be made for the two oldest children to vacation with their dad while I and the youngest two would relax and celebrate Easter from home.
Here are some observations:
1. It is more difficult to sleep with a 4 year old and 9 year old in my bed with me. :) Although I still think it was preferable to sleeping by myself.
2. I am just as miserably pregnant with or without Scott around.
3. I have some wonderful gay friends and I feel incredibly blessed to have them in my life and to feel their true love for me and the kids. Over two evenings in a row they fixed us dinner one night and colored Easter eggs with us, then the next night made and frosted sugar cookies, and enjoyed my deviled eggs, claiming they were the best.
4. Scott's emotional attachment to me has always been less than mine to him, but still it hurt a bit the first night when I sent him a text saying "I miss you" and he wrote back "I know" instead of "I miss you too." I don't know why I let it bug me, though, since it has always been that way with us. I guess I am hypersensitive to anything that has anything to do with our relationship right now. :(
5. I knew it would be hard, and I am not suprised that each of the first 3 days I had meltdown moments when I just sobbed and said horrible things to myself. But I'm pretty sure that they all happened when I needed to eat, and instead of eating I just sat and felt sorry for myself that there was no one around to fix me some food. Boy do I take Scott for granted.
6. I am suprised at how strong I really have been, despite the meltdowns. In the past I would have panic attacks from being essentially by myself for even one day, let alone several. Depression off and on, yes. Panic attacks and anxiety, no, not really.
I guess I could get used to this if I had to, but I don't want to.
I wonder what Scott's observations would be? Actually, maybe I don't want to know. Being away from whiny me and rowdy boys for a few days has probably been heaven!
4 weeks ago