Sunday, February 23, 2014

Exhaustion

The last two days--as well as a few days and weeks prior--I spent time preparing for and attending the "circling the wagons" conference. I was on the planning committee as well as on a facilitation panel for a straight spouse workshop. (Circlingthewagons.org)

My dear friend John wrote an excellent blog post about the conference that I will refer to here instead of detailing my own experience for now. When the podcast is available for my workshop, I will post it here. I am too tired to rehash what happened there, other than I'll say that I thought it was good.

My favorite thing about the conference was meeting in person the people I've grown to love online on Facebook, as well as seeing other dear friends that I only get to see at events like these.

My second favorite thing about such events is being able to discuss the gospel within the framework of those touched in some way by the gay issue in the LDS church or even just in the Utah/LDS culture. It brings such peace to know I'm not alone in my beliefs and thoughts and struggles. It also gives me great opportunities to learn from those who navigate this journey differently than I do, as well as share my journey in the hope that it will help someone else.

But the process is exhausting, and as I've been tired and depressed this morning, it occurs to me that although my heart wants to be active in the church, and I've learned to handle those things I disagree with, the thing that makes Sundays really hard for me now is that most of my children will not come with me. The youngest, who is now three, is the one that got me going because he loved nursery. The second to youngest, who turned 8 last June, has been attending for a couple of months to prepare and qualify for baptism, which happened February 1st. Now he will not come with me any more. Even the day after he was baptized required a bribe to get him here. I thought he understood what he was doing and wanted it for him, not just for me.



Giving my children freedom to choose to attend church or not is important. They have been down the difficult journey with the church that I have. But since they are still minors, where do I draw the line? Making those decisions and sticking to them is so exhausting. The path used to be clear, and there were two parents directing the children down that path. But now we are completely different paths, neither of which is the one we were all on before.

Just a difficult and exhausting journey to navigate. So not easy being a pioneer.

P.S. It didn't help that the lady conducting Relief Society today, after I wrote this blog post in Sacrament meeting, went on and on about how we need to go to Stake conference, and take our children, so that they can see that we love and support the Stake presidency, and so that the amazing and strong youth can stay on the right path in this wicked, wicked world. Talk about rubbing salt in the wound. I came home and had a good cry. Not that I think my children are doomed to wickedness. And not that everything in the world that she finds wicked is also what I consider wicked. But tough to take when I was already feeling down about my children. :(

No comments: