Lost Belief

I went to sacrament meeting today for the first time in 4 months, since the March fast and testimony meeting when someone talked about a cousin in their family with same sex attraction that everyone prayed for and then she married a man and their prayers were heard.

I purposely went today without my children, to take the sacrament and to ponder and pray. But the Mormon church is different to me now. As I listened to the testimonies, I thought about how they all said "I know the church is true." I have visited a few other religions over the past few months, and the people in those churches are also sure that their church is true! How can that be? Well, I guess I don't believe in "one true church" any more. I believe in God, and I believe that religion can be a good thing in our lives. But I felt like today during the meeting that I realized that one major issue with the Mormon church is that they appear to believe that they are the "one true church", which gives a feel that they are better than everyone else, that they are right on all of these issues when other churches or beliefs are wrong.

And so my issue is not with the imperfect people. It is truly with the church itself. I have been trying and trying to figure out a way for me to go back and get the kids to go back. But I don't think I can. I don't believe it to be the one true church, and so I think we can better worship the same loving God and Son and believe in the same basic plan of happiness by attending somewhere else where the pride is not so encompassing.

I keep thinking more and more about ordinances. Why would God require ordinances in order to live with him again? Why is the Mormon church--with all of its imperfections--the only one with the right to these precious ordinances. What is wrong with the compassionate people who commit themselves to God with baptism and sacrament in other churches? Why does it have to be one particular way?

The other thing that really bothers me is the issue of worthiness. Why is it that the souls who are in need of the most spiritual healing are the ones that can't take the sacrament or attend the temple? Why does it have to be exclusive? Why can't the church house homeless people in Colorado whose homes have burned to the ground, regardless of their adherence to the word of wisdom?

There is just so much that makes no sense to me any more, and I don't think I can do it. I think I must leave it behind and move on.