Monday, July 11, 2011

Three years ago today...

...I had no idea that my life was about to change.

I didn't know that in a little over a year, I would be denied my temple recommend, and Scott would stop attending church shortly thereafter.

I had no idea that in nearly two years, I would give birth to our fifth child (even though we made sure we were done after four), and that a month after that, my husband of nearly 15 years would tell me that our relationship as husband and wife was over, and that he would move downstairs for now.

I did not know that in 10 days short of 3 years, the father of my children would move out of the home we customized together eight years ago, and find his own apartment...

...and that today, exactly 3 years to the day of finding out that Scott is gay, I would be mulling over how to split up our debt and finances so that we can begin working on our divorce.



Three years ago today, I was a very emotional and anxious person, extremely codependent on Scott. Today, I am much stronger emotionally and much more independent.

Three years ago, I was unhappy with my bishop and struggled attending church because of the anxiety I felt there. But I was conservative and believing, and continued to attend because it is what we Mormons do. Now, I am liberal and sometimes questioning and yet still believing, and I attend church because I want to, and the anxiety is gone for the most part.

Three years ago, I enjoyed spending time with neighbors and extended family. Now my brother will not talk to me or attempt to understand, the children next door are rarely allowed to play at our house, and my best friends in the whole world are all gay (or formerly married to someone that is.) These are only a few examples of the changes...



Do I wish things could be different? I think so. I used to think I had life and eternity figured out, that the bumps along the way in this institution called marriage could be handled, that divorce was a word that we would not allow to exist in our relationship ever, no matter what. We would always work through it.

Do I like the new person that I have become and am becoming? Definitely! Could I have become who I am another way? Probably, but who is to say it would be any easier?

Do I miss the way things used to be with friends and family? Yes, oh yes. The tears come harder now than at any other point of writing this post. But I also have new family and friends, many more than what I have lost, and I am so lucky to know them and be strengthened by them. Of course, if Scott had been straight, I would not have the new friends, but I also would not have known what I was missing...

But I guess more importantly, I would not have the opportunity to "see" as God and Christ see each of us. To see the grey amongst the black and white. To touch the lives of so many people, especially students, that I would not have reached out to otherwise.

Ok. Life is shitty, but life is good. And I am blessed. And although I cannot yet imagine what my life and eternity will look like, each day will be easier than the one before, and everything will be okay for all of us.

What will the next three years bring? At the very least my oldest child will be 18 and graduating from high school. Oh, my!

6 comments:

Bravone said...

Sarah, I've been on my own journey the past three years that has often paralleled yours. I've been blessed by your capacity to love, and mourned with you at times. Three years later, my appreciation for you has grown, as has my hope for you. You are an amazing woman.

God bless,
Steve

recover and thrive said...

you are an amazing woman! Its pretty crazy what can happen to us. I'm glad for a savior and a heavenly father who knows us - its a simple comforting thought. And soon it will all be over and we can really see as they see.

Summer said...

Love your blog! Just had this happen to me less than a month ago. Wow. I'm looking for sucess stories but who's to say your's isn't one. I'm finding it hard to see beyond what I know and maybe that's something I really need to consider. I am terrified of my future right now. Everything I've ever known has come crashing down and I'm questioning everything. My main reason for going to church right now is strictly social, although who knows why, no one there even knows about this, but I can't deny that I feel "normal" there which is about the only place that happens now so that's gotta count for something, right?

Tiffany Hales said...

Great post! I love it! And I see all those changes and they are wonderful, even though bitter sweet.

MOHO IN VEGAS said...

It was about 3 years ago that I found scotts blog. I thought that it was awesome that he was able to be married. I read this post and I cannot help but crying. I feel so bad for you but at the same time know that you will make it because you are a very strong person and I admire that. I enjoyed the times at your home, I enjoyed the conversations we had. I got an invite to the Moho party this month and I really want to go but I can't :) I was surprised when I saw that it was at "Sarah's House." I have wondered will the parties continue? Will you want to distance yourself from the Gays after the divorce? Just random thoughts that are none of my business. I love you sarah and know you will be okay :)

Anonymous said...

i've followed your blog for a while now. i have also gone through what you have gone through...it's been a year now of being alone after many years of being married. i'm the straight one. and although it's been a rough go, my family is learning to adjust. what i've learned is that love is the only way to heal. anger only hurts you. am i happier? yes and no. i hate the thought that my family is not whole but my former husband is happy and that means a lot to me. good friends and my faith have gotten me through this. i have an absolute knowledge that the Lord knows me, watches over me and all will be well. i know that for you too. there have been many days that i have asked the Lord to lift me only to realize that He carried me that day. i am happy now and have created a different but good life. i pray that for you too.