My quest for an alias has actually be quite interesting. I thought of using one that I used when I worked at an LDS girl’s camp, but it didn’t seem to click with me this time. It is the name of a fairytale princess. Dichotomy has always been my Prince Charming. We even had a figure of this prince and princess on our wedding cake, and a family member cross-stitched them with our marriage date and framed it for us to cherish forever. Dicho asked me to prom while we were on tour in Disneyland with our high school choir. He gave me a beautiful poster of this prince and princess and a note that referred to him as my prince charming. Even though I still adore him, somehow this analogy no longer feels like the best representation of our MOM. (Wait, doesn't Prince Charming usually wear tights? Maybe it does work after all! LOL)
Dicho and I started exploring names that are related to dichotomy or math (since I teach math, I kind of eat, sleep and breath it at times). Anyway, he found something called the Dichotomy Paradox, which is an infinite geometric series whose sum is 1. For those of you who just went “huh?”, basically you start with 1, add ½ then add ¼, then add 1/8, and you keep adding half of the value of the previous term forever which means it really never gets to 1, but it gets really close. When he found this paradox online, I was excited and shared a memory from a college math class. My professor tried to explain this series by saying “suppose you have a girl frog on one lily pad and a boy frog on another lily pad across the pond. The boy frog really wants to get to the girl frog, but suppose for some reason he can only hop half the remaining distance each time. Will he ever reach the girl frog? Essentially, no. But he will get close enough.” Dichotomy then thought that was very interesting. He and I are in this MOM marriage, which may never reach the same levels of emotional connection that a heterosexual marriage has the potential to reach, and yet is it close enough? I think it is.
Next in my quest for a name came a beautiful recommendation from a Moho friend. I quote this from his blog:
You really do need a name. How about "Speranza"? That's Italian for Hope. It's feminine and yet strong! You are a voice and source of "speranza" for all of us! I would love to see you blog, to learn from you as you open up to your school, to your church, to your family, and as you and Dicho work together for a stronger, more hopeful future. That is the spirit of "speranza"!I was touched. I liked the sound of it. I thought about it for a few days, but I kept forgetting it and had to look up the post again to remember it. I figure it might not be a good thing to forget my own name.
Next I thought of the Greek letter “Sigma.” Greek letters are used extensively in math, mainly for naming angles in trigonometry. Sigma is also the letter used to indicate a summation, like the one in the dichotomy paradox listed above. Another association I have with Sigma is in the Church’s Lambda Delta Sigma program. I belonged to the LDS sorority throughout college and Sigma of course stands for the S in Saint. I’m not sure if I’m always a saint, but I am not ashamed to be called LDS, so I guess that works. Still, I’m not feeling the connection with it that I would like to feel.
Briefly considered was “Serenity” which of course means “a disposition free from stress or emotion” or “the absence of mental stress or anxiety”. While I do feel that the gay thing has actually brought peace into my life of anxiety, I don’t think that anyone who knows me would think of me as being free from it.
The main reason that I have decided to start my own blog is that I have found in responding to other’s blogs and emails that by writing out my thoughts, I am able to make amazing discoveries about myself and my progression through life. To me, that is “serendipity” which means “the faculty of making fortunate discoveries by accident.” Since that is what I think it might do for me, I feel it fits. I guess it is a little long, but so is dichotomy. Maybe we could shorten it to "Dip" and then we can be "Dicho and Dip". LOL
I have a lot of thoughts and feelings from the last month and a half since Dicho came out to me that I would love to go back through and share on this blog, but it is going to take some time. School starts on Monday, so that will be my life for a while.
Thanks to so many of you for encouraging me to start this blog and including me, a straight wife, in your circle. I look forward to continuing conversations with all of you, and maybe I am setting an example that will encourage other straight spouses to communicate more and join us as well.